Leave it to the Christian Science Monitor to rain on Joel's parade. Finally someone puts into words what the antijoel has often been too meek to utter:

The opiate of the masses isn't religion, it's spectator sports. What else would explain the astounding fact that millions of otherwise intelligent human beings, some of them evidently adult in other respects, feel that the athletic exertions of total strangers are somehow consequential?

[...]

Was it really a national disaster when a bunch of grossly overpaid, barely literate prima donnas refused to chase balls on artificial grass? Or when these paragons are revealed to be hormonally enhanced as well as ethically and intellectually challenged? Or if a college football team is denied a bowl slot? Is life so dull and unsatisfying that it must be experienced vicariously in order to be savored?

Here are some belated suggestions for [Joel] and his fellow sufferers, past and future: You might try reading a book, talking with your family, going for a walk, wrestling with the dog, listening to music, making love.

I don't know about most of this guy's suggestions. For the antijoel a beer, a joint, a couch, and The Big Lebowski are often the best way to savor life.

Sports Advice

Today's Anti-Joel sports advice (sports advice that Joel would never give):

If you're going to take a penalty, make sure you hurt someone.

And that's how you play sports.

A Birthday Homage to Joel, from AJD

Jesus Saves, Gretzky Scores

There are many analogies that can be drawn between a good friend of mine, Joel , and Canadian Hockey icon Steve Smith. Both are excellent guys and both have made one huge mistake.

For those of you from Alberta or familiar with 1980’s Hockey, you will no doubt remember who Steve Smith was. For those who don’t, here’s a quick summary.

Steve Smith is best known for accidentally scoring on his own team, the Edmonton Oilers, in 1986. His bad pass bounced off goaltender Grant Fuhr into his own team's net, and cost the Oilers the final game of the playoff series against the Calgary Flames.

On the other hand, Joel is best known for making ridiculous sports predictions. Take, for example, Joel’s underestimation of this year’s New York Giants (who are, incidentally, kicking ass and taking names – suck it, Cardinals).

Although the mistakes of these two men cannot be forgotten, they do have redeeming qualities.

Despite Steve Smith’s goal on his own net, he went on to become one of the best defensemen in the league, was a key player in Edmonton winning 3 Stanley Cups, and played in the 1991 NHL All-Star Game. Steve was part of a tough defensive corps for Edmonton.

Similarly, Joel is the smart religious guy who becomes good friends with everyone he meets. He is reliable and enjoys playing sports. If he could only make sports predictions that are exactly the opposite of what he actually thinks, we would all be better off.

Andrew John

(Note: Steve retired in 1997, only to come back to play for the Calgary the following year. This begs the question, was he always a Flames fan? Did he want to score on his own net in 1986? Who knows. Maybe Joel can give us some insight.)

A brief introduction

I : Joel :: Dennis Miller : Monday Night Football. Or maybe I'm little number 21 over there on the right, Joel is Jesus, and I'm about to tackle His sorry ass to the ground. Either way, everyone needs a foil. Joel's has arrived.

I'm not too worried about Joel's CFL results because:
a) his record is pretty good, and
b) the CFL blows,
but it's time that someone took Joel to the mat for some of his more outlandish statements, like:
a) "The Texans are just not taking that next step," or
b) "The Giants will improve a bit, but I'm guessing it'll be year 3 where Eli really gets going."

Suck it, Joel. The Giants are 3-1. They're rushing through the rice paddies. And while the Texans at 0-3 have obviously not taken the next step, that's still a ridiculous thing to say.

Don't worry, there's more. Maybe there will even be substance. Just wait until I break out the spreadsheets.

___________________

The Anti-Joel's prediction for NFL Week 5: Joel will make use of his birthday to emulate Bears QB Kyle Orton


Happy Bday, Joel (even though it's a day early).

Just a minute...

We'll be posting soon.